viewpoints and visions

I've been thinking a lot about this for a few days now and now I think it's time to try and sort it all out "on paper", so to speak. Moving to India has been one of the best experiences of my life for a lot of reasons, the most important of which, trite as it may sound, is that I've really grown. Mostly because of a lack of choice in the matter. It was grow or get trampled.

So yes, I'm glad I went.

But I don't know how in-between I've become since I left. I never really belonged in this country, I know that. I look different. No one can pronounce my name. I enter my house and it's like another world. I've been through this whole thing and it took me 22 long years but I thought I figured it out. But now I have to figure it out all over again and that's not easy.

I remember the first day of 2nd grade, I was gripped by this irrational fear that my teacher wouldn't know if I was a boy or a girl because my name was foreign. I was quite a round child and hated wearing dresses. Yes it sounds ridiculous now, but this was a very real fear. I think even until freshman year of college, I still didn't get over my feeling of being different and somehow, finally, I figured out that I belonged.

First day of medical school in India, I was completely weirded out by the fact that everyone else was brown. Everyone was wearing salwar kameez, almost everyone had a bindi.

The first time I came home from med school, a year after I had joined, I flew through Frankfort. I almost jumped for joy when I saw white people.

Now, I walked into a Starbucks this morning to study and felt like the same self-conscious little 2nd grader who felt naked and grotesque in front of a group of people.

I want to move back to the States. I miss living here, and India is a hard place to be. Everything is different. I miss peanut butter and toilet paper and Oreos. But now I've started to be very afraid. What if I come back and things aren't the same anymore? What if home is no longer home? What if I don't belong here either?

I'm scared that my homesickness is going to become an inherent part of me, a longing for a place and a life that no longer exists, and that I will spend the rest of my life searching for a security and contentment that I am not destined to find.

IMG_0923

This has been one of the fastest, easiest, and i *think* tastiest dishes I have made since I ended up in my understocked kitchen. I got the inspiration from Heidi Swanson and her “Lemony Chickpea Stirfry”. I didn’t have a lot of the ingredients she called for, but I had others, so I thought why not?
The beauty about this recipe is that it packs a good nutritional punch, it’s delicious, and lends itself to endless variations. I’ll give you my take on it, and I’d love to hear back from you with some of your own variations.

Read the rest of the recipe here.

So obviously there are things I don’t know how to cook. And other people do. Also, I’m not cooking ALL the time. So I’m always on the lookout for new recipes from my friends and acquaintances. My friend Priyanka appears to have a few up her sleeve, so I asked if she’d be willing to share. And luckily for you, my loyal reader, she’s been kind enough to share her recipe for Chhole, an Indian curry made from chickpeas.
It’s actually quite the staple in North Indian kitchens, but I’ve never ventured so far as to make it. So let’s hear it for Chef Priyanka!

Read the rest of the recipe here.

There’s something about this notion of globalization that makes people seem to think that we are not all responsible, as citizens of a nation and of the world, for being socially conscious and aware. Many seem to be blindsided by the rapid progression and economic boom hitting the world, and India in particular, to the point of truly becoming blind to what is appropriate and what is utterly unacceptable.

A friend in London brought this to my attention, and frankly I thought it was a joke....

Read more.

it is go time. i'm in the middle of exams, there are more coming up, finals are in december.
the election is happening.
life is moving forward.

it's time to stop stagnating.
it's time to stop feeling stagnated.
sometimes it's all a bit disorienting, i don't know where i am or what i'm doing.

i look to news and new music to ground me again.

i want to take some time and write. I want to make music. i want to be, i want to learn. and yet i find myself doing none of those things. how do i do this? how do i face the life i lead and become the woman i want to be?

i haven't figured it out yet. but i think i will soon. i think i'm closer to it than i seem to be.

i tell myself i wish i was elsewhere, doing something else. but in fact, it is only because i'm in the here and now that i am who i am and have the opportunity to become who i want to be.

watch and wait, along with me. we'll see where the long and winding road goes.

If you know me, I'm sure you already know that I am following the developments of Election 2008 very closely - too close for comfort, even. You also know that I am pro-bama and that I feel quite strongly about the issue. Until the last couple of days, I never felt the need to make that public knowledge, though. But now times have changed. I don't even know what McCain is doing with this newcomer Sarah Palin.

Let's approach this systematically.

McCain - old, maverick, experienced, lots of ties with Bush
Palin - young, woman, hot (apparently, i don't quite agree), uber-conservative

When I heard that McCain had chosen a woman for the ticket, I assumed it was Condoleezza. But what Republican is really going to choose a black woman for such a post? Not going to happen. Then when I actually heard the name, my thought was basically : who is that? So here's where we stand right now. McCain obviously chose this woman purely because she is a woman. Republican or Democrat, you can't really debate on that point. Now whether or not she's a qualified woman is the question on everyone's minds. I've been reading up a lot on this, and I've found out a myriad of things that make her a less than appealing choice for me.

First there are the obvious points.

She's been Governor of Alaska for 2 years. Before that, she was Mayor of Wasilla, a town of 6,000. Let me repeat that. 6000. I'm sure it wasn't as easy or simple as people are making it seem, but really? THAT is the 'experience' McCain's been demanding for so long? That prepares her to be the next commander in chief if we need her to be?

I'm with everyone else in saying that families are out of bounds and the judgments we make about an individual's competence should not include judgments about spouses and children. I think that's fair. But does that apply when the candidate's husband is a former member of the Alaska Independence Party? I mean really... Secessionists, anyone? I don't know about you guys but that kind of scares me. Just a little bit. 

And then Palin's little girl. Yes, people are bringing up the Bristol Palin issue as if it's everybody's business, which it's not. And I agree with this gentleman in saying that the issue is not about the politics, but about the fact that this is what's going on, and we need to do something about it. Stop fighting about abstinence-only vs. safe sex education, and take a look at our nation's young women. Do something about it. But while we're on the topic, I think it's important that people know that Governor Palin actually cut funding for aid to teenage moms. She's been quoted by all and sundry saying that she supports her daughter and that Bristol has her unconditional love. Also, apparently this is proof that the family practices what they preach. That's great. But what about all those girls who were never taught about safe sex because of the failed abstinence-only education policy? What happens when they get pregnant and they're shunned by their own families? Does the country disown them? They don't deserve love? From anyone? Apparently that's the right thing to do, according to Palin. Hypocritical? I think so. Un-Christian?  I may not have a right to talk, but from what I understand about the Golden Rule and Christian kindness, yeah, I think this is pretty crummy behavior.

Then the NRA. Do you really want a Veep who touts gun rights? I mean I think we have enough gun issues without anyone pushing for more guns.
Oh and what about drilling for oil in Alaska? McCain just lost all credibility as a green candidate. And, as if that wasn't enough, there's the Palin vs. Polar Bear issue.

I'm not sure if the Republicans think they're suddenly going to inherit all the disappointed Hillary supporters or what, but I'm pretty sure most Clinton supporters are not Neanderthals that are going to say "Hey, LOOK it's a FEMALE! Let's run to the polls and completely forget about everything we believe in!" Somehow I don't see that happening.

I do think McCain is going to do better with the extreme right and the evangelicals. That's good for him. But I don't think he ever had to worry about those folks voting for Obama anyway. Yeah, they might not have liked McCain too much, but who else were they going to vote for? The people he did have to worry about were the moderates and independents who might have felt like Obama was too liberal for them. But now does McCain really think they're going to vote for the gun-toting, Bible-thumping beauty queen from Alaska who just got her passport a few months ago? Really? Some people seem to think that Palin's corruption-fighting ways are going to be her saving grace. Ahem, excuse me, did you guys TOTALLY miss 'Troopergate'? How can anyone declare that she's going to rid Washington of corruption when she's under investigation herself for abuse of power?

Have I said enough? Hold on, I'm not done yet.

Oh yes, apparently the Iraq war is part of God's plans for America. Also the gasline. How do I know? Why, Sarah Palin said so, of course! It's nice to know that God is Republican. I guess I wasn't listening when He told me.

I think I'm done for now. I'll be sure to share more as it comes up.

Please, please, don't let this woman take over our country. Until now I was thinking that anything would be better than the current administration. I don't know anymore. I don't know what McCain was thinking. I really don't. I don't think he was thinking at all. So, my fellow Americans, please don't let this be the end of the world as we know it.
 
If I didn't convince you, read this guy. He will cover anything I didn't.

There are so many other things I could be writing right now, so many other things that I want to write – but this is what I’m choosing to spend my study time doing. The last few days have found me in a real funk…. I’m not really sure why. Today I was able to pinpoint that feeling as a sense of nostalgia, for what, I really do not know. What I do know is that I wish I was back in my city, back in college, back where the world was still my oyster. Part of it is because I feel like I messed up and I want another chance, but part of it is just that I feel trapped. I spend my days in one of three buildings: the hostel, the hospital, and the canteen. In the hostel I’m either in my own 16x16 crowded, messy room, or I’m in the study hall which is the most unconducive place for studying. Of course the hospital is good, but the people I encounter in the hospital are not so great. Professors who talk down to me are pretty much the bane of my existence. Then there’s the canteen, with the same god-awful menu for which the portions get smaller and smaller and the prices keep going up. I am fed up. I want out. I want to be done.

I miss the feeling of cold air on my face, brisk and biting. I miss the feeling of snow under my shoes. Hell, I even miss slipping on the ice and falling on my butt. I miss taking long walks by myself, camping out in coffee shops and coming home only when I want to, not because of some curfew. I miss having opportunity. I guess the point is that here, opportunity doesn’t knock; I have to go digging for it under rocks and inside caves and fight evil monsters for it.

Of course this is all part of the life experience, it’s all part of what I’m supposed to be living. And I’ll be a bigger, better person for it. But don’t think I’m enjoying the process.

so it's been quite a while since i've blogged, as usual. but i think this time i have good excuses. i've come up with a few new things. i started a cooking blog, which is definitely fun. Come visit at http://understockedveggiekitchen@wordpress.com. I've also begun work on a non-profit which is as yet unnamed. Visit that as well at http://ramavaram.blogspot.com. That's been taking up a lot of time, but I did want to write about it here. 

I came across Last Night I Dreamt of Mississippi by Nicolai Dunger on the compilation Late Nights with Turin Brakes. A pleasantly careworn song, sung with a nonchalant, sleepy attitude, it quickly ended up on my list of compulsively repeated songs. It starts off with a generally incomprehensible voice-over of an air hostess speaking right before takeoff, which actually has nothing to do with the rest of the song, it seems. The whole tone of the piece quickly changes with bluesy guitar chords and a catchy rhythm, which sound slightly hazy and drunk. Some unexpected notes here and there keep your attention until the fiddle starts up, with some lazy slides. The whole ensemble, even after the vocals start, has an almost trancelike cohesiveness, with very little countermelody or counterpoint. All the instrumentals follow almost the same trajectory, with Dunger's cigarette-and-Jack-Daniels-filled voice joining right in, making the whole thing sound smooth and round. Pictures of moonless nights in the rocking chair on the porch almost fill my head but then some vague sense of desperation kicks in. It could be a much more run-of-the-mill song but somehow manages to amaze with its transparency. I haven't heard anything else by Dunger, but I bet there's incredible stuff out there.

listen to the song here.

x-posted here and here.

i wrote this about 2 weeks ago but didn't get a chance to post until today.

I found a beautiful moment of communion today. I think it was the closest I’ve come to a true meditation in a very long time. It was definitely the closest I’ve come to being at peace. I’ve lost my peace of mind lately, and I know I’m too young for that. I worry about so many things, which I guess one could say I should be worrying about, but others might say are completely unimportant. To put things into perspective, I have food to eat, clothes to wear, and I’m getting the education I want. I have a family who loves me (most of the time, at least), and I love them. But somehow I’m still ill at ease. I worry about my exams, I worry about my career, I worry about finding true love. But today I felt some calm in my heart that whispered to me that I don’t need to worry about those things. Everything that should come to me will come in due time, the voice told me.

I’d been sitting indoors all day long and felt like I needed some fresh air. I went out to rake the lawn, which impressively enough, hasn’t been raked in two or three years. All the grass is dead and there’s a good 4 or 5 inch layer of dry leaves covering everything. I started to rake, and the air was brisk, cool but not chilling to the bone. As I raked, I could see layers of debris coming up off the ground, revealing a beautiful moist soil underneath it all. I’ve never been so moved by the sight of dirt as I was today. The dirt was so rich, so brown, and so ready for new life. That’s what hit me as I worked to uncover more and more of it. Sometimes the new year brings an almost forced resolve to change, which doesn’t often come from within. And when it doesn’t come from within, how can it be expected to last? And so the inevitable broken New Year’s resolutions. But I thought today that maybe it’s not about forcing yourself to change. Maybe it’s about changing when your heart shows you a way to change. So what does this have to do with the dirt? Well we all have layers of dirt in our hearts and minds. We have piles of accumulated baggage, emotional and psychological. I think today was my chance to resolve to clean up all the debris inside my head as I raked up those leaves. And just as the raking revealed that beautiful rich soil, the raking inside will reveal a fertile field, ready to accept new saplings which will hopefully lead me to a personal transformation. I have so much resentment and bitterness that’s buried under layers of time, and I think it’s time for that to go. It’s time for me to make room for tolerance and patience, love and kindness. I know those are all there inside me, but there are so many other negative things covering them that I’m not able to reach them. So in a hands-on lesson in mindfulness, I learned how to let nature teach me how to live. And the most beautiful moment of today was watching the sunset in stunningly bold hues of pink and orange. I have never seen a sunset quite like the one I saw today, and to tell the truth, I felt like I wasn’t alone out there under the sky today. I felt the presence of a greater power, the power that makes the sun rise and set, that makes the trees grow and the rain fall, that creates the seasons and lets living things die so that new ones can grow. And it was a wonderful feeling, that I hope I can carry with me in my heart for a while, and draw strength from it.